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ALEX MICHAEL recaps Big Brother: Chad backstabs his own girlfriend

It’s the staged Big Brother romance that, according to OzTam, has had up to 2.8 per cent of the nation on the edge of their seat for weeks.

‘Titanic meets P&O.’

And as the story goes, Sophie and Chad’s relation-ship struck an iceberg and sunk on Tuesday – right in the middle of $5 Shots’n’Thots night at the Oasis Bar & Grill.

Titanic meets P&O: Sophie and Chad's relation-ship struck an iceberg and sunk on Tuesday - right in the middle of $5 Shots'n'Thots night at the Oasis Bar & Grill. How did we get here?

Titanic meets P&O: Sophie and Chad’s relation-ship struck an iceberg and sunk on Tuesday – right in the middle of $5 Shots’n’Thots night at the Oasis Bar & Grill. How did we get here?

He’s Not All White

On Monday, Kieran was too resilient to fall victim to a classic 'bullied all the way to the asylum' storyline. But he was evicted and seeing as though the contractors went to the trouble of construction a white padded room, he was spared

On Monday, Kieran was too resilient to fall victim to a classic ‘bullied all the way to the asylum’ storyline. But he was evicted and seeing as though the contractors went to the trouble of construction a white padded room, he was spared

On Monday, Kieran was too resilient to fall victim to a classic ‘bullied all the way to the asylum’ storyline.

But he was evicted and seeing as though the contractors went to the trouble of constructing a white padded room, he was spared.

‘We might as well just gee it up as a mental breakdown anyway?’ decided the producers.

Kieran: ‘Wow, Big Brother. Everything really is white in here! Oh wait a sec, is that Colby cheese cubes? They’re yellow.’

Kieran: 'Wow, Big Brother. Everything really is white in here! Oh wait a sec, is that Colby cheese cubes? They're yellow.'

Kieran: ‘Wow, Big Brother. Everything really is white in here! Oh wait a sec, is that Colby cheese cubes? They’re yellow.’

Big Brother: ‘Jesus, a stickler for the finer details all of a sudden? This is the same guy who can’t even do a three-point turn without killing someone.’

Kieran: ‘As a condition of the payout, I did NOT kill that pedestrian. She had a pre-existing condition.’

Big Brother: 'Jesus, a stickler for the finer details all of a sudden? This is the same guy who can't even do a three-point turn without killing someone'

Big Brother: ‘Jesus, a stickler for the finer details all of a sudden? This is the same guy who can’t even do a three-point turn without killing someone’

Big Brother: ‘Alright, stop the show everyone – strike the sets. Kieran needs some Brie.’  

Kieran: ‘And some Turkish Delights.’

Kieran: ‘Hello?

Kieran: ‘With the white frosting’ 

Kieran: 'As a condition of the payout, I did NOT kill that pedestrian. She had a pre-existing condition.' Big Brother: 'Alright, stop the show everyone - strike the sets. Kieran needs some Brie'

Kieran: ‘As a condition of the payout, I did NOT kill that pedestrian. She had a pre-existing condition.’ Big Brother: ‘Alright, stop the show everyone – strike the sets. Kieran needs some Brie’

One downside of living a life shrouded in secrecy like Big Brother does, is that nobody is going to know your whole family died in the great Turkish Delight contamination crisis of 1989.

For the first time in series history, Big Brother left his post and went home (left the basement and went upstairs).

Kieran: 'And some Turkish Delights.' Kieran: 'Hello? Hello?

Kieran: ‘And some Turkish Delights.’ Kieran: ‘Hello? Hello?

On the plus side, Kieran got severe separation anxiety and started to go legitimately crazy. 

Every cloud… 

For the first time in series history, Big Brother left his post and went home. On the plus side, Kieran got severe separation anxiety and started to go legitimately crazy. Every cloud...

For the first time in series history, Big Brother left his post and went home. On the plus side, Kieran got severe separation anxiety and started to go legitimately crazy. Every cloud…

We Were Robbed

Tisk, Tisk. Looks like they didn't learn their lesson from the old Big Brother house: Take your eyes off a slice of TV history for five minutes and the bogans pounce. Pictured: The old Big Brother house moments before being vandalised by teens

Tisk, Tisk. Looks like they didn’t learn their lesson from the old Big Brother house: Take your eyes off a slice of TV history for five minutes and the bogans pounce. Pictured: The old Big Brother house moments before being vandalised by teens

Tisk, Tisk. Looks like they didn’t learn their lesson from the old Big Brother house.

Take your eyes off a slice of TV history for five minutes and the bogans pounce.

The housemates woke up to discover they’d been robbed. The pool was drained, the furniture and appliances were gone – but they’d left the slow cooker. Must be teens.

The housemates woke up to discover they'd been robbed. The pool was drained, the furniture and appliances were gone - but they'd left the slow cooker. Must be teens

 The housemates woke up to discover they’d been robbed. The pool was drained, the furniture and appliances were gone – but they’d left the slow cooker. Must be teens

Big Brother rushed back to his post, realised how badly he needed this job and tried to blame it on Chad.

Cut to: Hour three of interrogations 

Big Brother: ‘Answer the question, Chad. Are you from Campbelltown? And is it true that your application states you once ran an “import/export furniture business with the boys an’ that”? ‘

Big Brother rushed back to his post, realised how badly he needed this job and tried to blame it on Chad. Cut to: Hour three of interrogations...

Big Brother rushed back to his post, realised how badly he needed this job and tried to blame it on Chad. Cut to: Hour three of interrogations…

Chad: ‘I already told you! Ya mum’s from Campbelltown.’

Big Brother: ‘That’s IT. Take that back! Dorothy Brother is a saint and she died doing what she loved: eating food from suspicious packages with no return address!’

Truthfully, this was a woeful staged robbery plot in which they insisted on spending half-an-hour having Big Brother accusing all of the housemates.

It sucked, you’re welcome. 

...Big Brother: 'Answer the question, Chad. Are you from Campbelltown? And is it true that your application states you once ran an "import/export furniture business with the boys an' that"? '

…Big Brother: ‘Answer the question, Chad. Are you from Campbelltown? And is it true that your application states you once ran an “import/export furniture business with the boys an’ that”? ‘

You Chad Me At Hello   

RIP: For those who haven't been following the recaps (your loss): Sophie and Chad fell madly in love during the series. They were two dopey hearts beating as one

RIP: For those who haven’t been following the recaps (your loss): Sophie and Chad fell madly in love during the series. They were two dopey hearts beating as one

For those who haven’t been following the recaps (your loss): Sophie and Chad fell madly in love during the series. They were two dopey hearts beating as one.

They formed a ‘final four’ pact with the co-dependent bromance of Dan and Mat (D&M).

For weeks, Sophie – the ‘dumb’ one in many of her relationships but definitely the ‘smart’ one here – had been trying to convince Chad they were going to be betrayed.

‘Yeah, nah.’ Chad would reply. ‘Pete Evans says to open your eyes and not believe everythin’ you see an’ hear an’ that. Just lick the salt lamp if you’re feeling stressed.’

They formed a 'final four' pact with the co-dependent bromance of Dan...

... and Mat (or, D&M)

They formed a ‘final four’ pact with the co-dependent bromance of Dan and Mat (D&M)

Sophie had three good chances to get rid of D&M in recent weeks but Chad wasn’t having a bar of it:

‘If it looks like a rat, sounds like a rat and smells like a rat, it’s probably an undercover  operative of Bill Gates trying to install 5G in your brain to give you COVID while you sleep,’ he would insist. 

Surprise, surprise, Daniel won Tuesday’s stupid nomination challenge and evicted Sophie at the very first chance he could. The fab four was no more.

For weeks, Sophie - the 'dumb' one in many of her relationships but definitely the 'smart' one here - had been trying to convince Chad they were going to be betrayed. 'Yeah nah.' Chad would reply

For weeks, Sophie – the ‘dumb’ one in many of her relationships but definitely the ‘smart’ one here – had been trying to convince Chad they were going to be betrayed. ‘Yeah nah.’ Chad would reply

A face you can trust: Say my name: Surprise, surprise, Daniel won Tuesday's stupid nomination challenge and evicted Sophie at the very first chance he could. The fab four was no more

A face you can trust: Say my name: Surprise, surprise, Daniel won Tuesday’s stupid nomination challenge and evicted Sophie at the very first chance he could. The fab four was no more 

‘Everyone knows going on Big Brother was my dream!’ she bawled in a wildly embarrassing admission we were expected to empathise with.  

Knowing the ship was sinking and that there wasn’t enough room on the flimsy interior-no-window room door for two, Chad fumbled through a goodbye.

'Everyone knows going on Big Brother was my dream!' she bawled in a wildly embarrassing admission we were expected to empathise with

Chad was stunned

‘Everyone knows going on Big Brother was my dream!’ she bawled in a wildly embarrassing admission we were expected to empathise with. Chad was stunned

Chad: ‘Where are ya goin? What are ya gonna do now? Is this the end?’

Sophie: ‘I’m going home Chad. It’s cold and I smell like sea water.’

Chad: ‘I fink that’s my cologne. You have my number yeah?’

P&O No! Knowing the ship was sinking and that there wasn't enough room on the flimsy interior-no-window room door for two, Chad fumbled through a goodbye

P&O No! Knowing the ship was sinking and that there wasn’t enough room on the flimsy interior-no-window room door for two, Chad fumbled through a goodbye

Sophie: ‘1800-Go-For-Chad?’ Of course I do.’

Chad tried to yell out his street address but a wave of emotion washed over him and when he resurfaced, Sophie was gone. 

Chad tried to yell out his street address but a wave of emotion washed over him and when he resurfaced, Sophie was gone

Chad was bummed

Chad tried to yell out his street address but a wave of emotion washed over him and when he resurfaced, Sophie was gone. Chad was bummed

Oooh Heaven Is A Place Next To North Head Sanctuary Visitor Centre Car Park In North Head

'Wait a second?' Sophie asked as she stepped out of the house, surveying her surroundings. 'Where am I? 'This isn't a cheaply built set next to the North Head Sanctuary Visitor Centre Car Park?'

‘Wait a second?’ Sophie asked as she stepped out of the house, surveying her surroundings. ‘Where am I? ‘This isn’t a cheaply built set next to the North Head Sanctuary Visitor Centre Car Park?’

‘Wait a second?’ Sophie asked as she stepped out of the house, surveying her surroundings. ‘Where am I?

‘This isn’t a cheaply built set next to the North Head Sanctuary Visitor Centre Car Park?’

‘Why is everything all white? Am I in heaven.’

Her train of thought was interrupted by a blast of harsh, steamy air on her neck; the sound of plodding footsteps, followed by a distinct waft of Colby.

Her train of thought was interrupted by a blast of harsh, steamy air on her neck; the sound of plodding footsteps, followed by a distinct waft of cheese

Her train of thought was interrupted by a blast of harsh, steamy air on her neck; the sound of plodding footsteps, followed by a distinct waft of cheese

‘Pretty much,’ came a whisper from behind her, followed by a CRUNCH and a gulp.

‘Minus the Brie.’

'Pretty much,' came a whisper from behind her, followed by a CRUNCH and a gulp. 'Minus the Brie'

‘Pretty much,’ came a whisper from behind her, followed by a CRUNCH and a gulp. ‘Minus the Brie’

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