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ALEX MICHAEL recaps BIG BROTHER: Garth gets booted after a bunch of sob stories 

 If I received a letter from my family after two weeks and change without contact, it could mean one of two things:  someone’s dead, or someone’s going to jail.

So why on earth were the Big Brother housemates bawling their brains out over letters from their family on Monday night? 

It made for excruciating TV, which on the plus side typically makes for a savage recap. Strap in. 

Excruciating: After just two weeks and change inside the Big Brother house, the housemates were left bawling their eyes out upon receiving letters from their family on Monday. Disgusting

Excruciating: After just two weeks and change inside the Big Brother house, the housemates were left bawling their eyes out upon receiving letters from their family on Monday. Disgusting

 Straight Outta Westfield

But first: This is going to be interesting. The audience needs their obligatory lighthearted opening segment but all we've got is 50 Shades Of Beige. Enter Chad: 'Wazzzuuup?' he said. 'How 'bout The Chad teaches youse how to be a model an' do poses an' that?'

But first: This is going to be interesting. The audience needs their obligatory lighthearted opening segment but all we’ve got is 50 Shades Of Beige. Enter Chad: ‘Wazzzuuup?’ he said. ‘How ’bout The Chad teaches youse how to be a model an’ do poses an’ that?’

The housemates were gathered in the lounge room, moaning about the loss of yet another interesting co-star in spoon-playing nerd Ian. 

This is going to be interesting. The audience needs their obligatory lighthearted opening segment but all we’ve got is 50 Shades Of Beige. Here goes nothing.

‘Wazzzuuup?’ barked body on legs Chad. ‘How ’bout The Chad teaches youse how to be a model an’ do poses an’ that?’

‘Woo, yeah! Chad! Chad! Chad!’ cried the housemates. 

Play the hits! 'The Chad' proceeded to play the hits, busting out beloved freelance model poses such as the 'roll the booger' (pictured), the 'sniff this!', the 'sniff that!?'

Play the hits! ‘The Chad’ proceeded to play the hits, busting out beloved freelance model poses such as the ‘roll the booger’ (pictured), the ‘sniff this!’, the ‘sniff that!?’

The Westfield Miranda: And of course there was the classic 'Westfield Miranda', popularised by Jennifer Hawkins in 2004

The Westfield Miranda: And of course there was the classic ‘Westfield Miranda’, popularised by Jennifer Hawkins in 2004

‘The Chad’ proceeded to play the hits, busting out beloved freelance model poses such as the ‘roll the booger’, the ‘sniff this!’,  the ‘sniff that!?’ and of course the classic ‘Westfield Miranda’, popularised by Jennifer Hawkins in 2004.

‘This involves steppin’ on ya tearaways, thus ‘accidentally’ exposin’ the cheeky G-string underneath,’ The Chad explained. 

‘The key isn’t in the act itself, but whether or not in makes The Morning Show the next day. The Chad says go big, go public and go see-through.’ 

‘Jesus H Christ,’ cried Seven’s head of programming. ‘The Chad is tanking our ratings!’ 

Am I doing it? 'This involves steppin' on ya tearaways, thus 'accidentally' exposin' the cheeky G-string underneath,' The Chad explained. 'The key isn't in the act itself, but whether or not in makes The Morning Show the next day. The Chad says go big, go public and go see-through'

Am I doing it? ‘This involves steppin’ on ya tearaways, thus ‘accidentally’ exposin’ the cheeky G-string underneath,’ The Chad explained. ‘The key isn’t in the act itself, but whether or not in makes The Morning Show the next day. The Chad says go big, go public and go see-through’

 Guess Who’s Back 

In case of emergency: 'Jesus H Christ,' cried Seven's head of programming. 'The Chad is tanking our ratings!' In case of emergency, break glass, pull out Angela

In case of emergency: ‘Jesus H Christ,’ cried Seven’s head of programming. ‘The Chad is tanking our ratings!’ In case of emergency, break glass, pull out Angela

 In case of emergency, break glass, pull out Angela.

Yes, just two days after she was voted out by her housemates and whisked to a secret ‘revenge bunker’, Angela is back. 

‘Housemates, since day one there has been a secret room inside this house – we forgot all about it to be honest,’ Big Brother began.

Whoops! 'Housemates, since day one there has been a secret room inside this house - we forgot all about it to be honest,' Big Brother began. 'Turned out Steve from craft services was holed up in there after the wife kicked him out

Whoops! ‘Housemates, since day one there has been a secret room inside this house – we forgot all about it to be honest,’ Big Brother began. ‘Turned out Steve from craft services was holed up in there after the wife kicked him out

‘Turned out Steve from craft services was holed up in there after the wife kicked him out.

‘So we checked Steve into the Garden City Travelodge and chucked Angela in there with a box of Lipton and a ‘control desk’ that wasn’t plugged in to the mains.’ 

‘Now she’s back.’

Control Desk by Fisher & Paykel: 'So we checked Steve into the Garden City Travelodge and chucked Angela in there with a box of Lipton and a 'control desk' that wasn't plugged in to the mains.' 'Now she's back'

Control Desk by Fisher & Paykel: ‘So we checked Steve into the Garden City Travelodge and chucked Angela in there with a box of Lipton and a ‘control desk’ that wasn’t plugged in to the mains.’ ‘Now she’s back’

Hello From The Other Side  

Now we eat: Big Brother gathered the housemates for in the living room for a generic Italian feast. 'We wanted to get another sponsored deal like KFC on Sunday but Criniti's went t**s up so here's some penne!' he said

Now we eat: Big Brother gathered the housemates for in the living room for a generic Italian feast. ‘We wanted to get another sponsored deal like KFC on Sunday but Criniti’s went t**s up so here’s some penne!’ he said

Big Brother gathered the housemates for in the living room for a generic Italian feast. 

‘We wanted to get another sponsored deal like KFC on Sunday but Criniti’s went t**s up so here’s some penne!’ he said.

Dinner turned into a sob fest when Tweed Heads marriage celebrant Shane returned from the diary room holding a box of letters from family members, tears in his eyes. 

Sob fest: Dinner turned into a sob fest when Tweed Heads marriage celebrant Shane returned from the diary room holding a box of letters from family members, tears in his eyes

Sob fest: Dinner turned into a sob fest when Tweed Heads marriage celebrant Shane returned from the diary room holding a box of letters from family members, tears in his eyes

For twenty minutes, we had to watch a group of lifeless hacks burst into tears over nothing. It was like being in the audience for a taping of Studio 10.  

I wouldn’t dare put my readers through the same pain, so let’s have some fun with it. 

Each letter basically said a variation of the following: 

‘Dear *insert housemate* we all miss you. You’re SO brave for going on this bulls**t reality show to try and win $250K! Love always and LMFAO* Susan.’

 *Susan thinks LMFAO means ‘Learn Music From An Orphan’. Great tip, thanks Susan!

20 minutes in hell: For twenty minutes, we had to watch a group of lifeless hacks burst into tears over nothing. It was like being in the audience for a taping of Studio 10

20 minutes in hell: For twenty minutes, we had to watch a group of lifeless hacks burst into tears over nothing. It was like being in the audience for a taping of Studio 10

First country bumpkin Mat sobbed through his letter. I present it to you here in its original form:

‘To Mat, It’s ya fee-oncé[sic], Darlene. We bloody can’t w8[sic] too[sic] hear all about your BEE-BEE[sic] experience. 

As a farmsmen[sic] from the bush, this is probably about the cray-z-est[sic] fing[sic] you’ll ever experience an’ that’.

 — That’s correct. Before that, his ‘wildest thing’ was when he was ploughing a field in loose overalls and his balls felt out.

 ‘I can’t wait to see you again and I can’t wait to marry you.’

— She means she literally cannot wait. Her Visa is about to expire. 

Sob story #1: First country bumpkin Mat sobbed through his letter. I present it to you here in its original form: 'To Mat, It's ya fee-oncé[sic], Darlene. We bloody can't w8[sic] too[sic] hear all about your BEE-BEE[sic] experience

Sob story #1: First country bumpkin Mat sobbed through his letter. I present it to you here in its original form: ‘To Mat, It’s ya fee-oncé[sic], Darlene. We bloody can’t w8[sic] too[sic] hear all about your BEE-BEE[sic] experience

Continuted... As a farmsmen[sic] from the bush, this is probably about the cray-z-est[sic] fing[sic] you'll ever experience an' that' — That’s correct. Before that, his ‘wildest thing’ was when he was ploughing a field in loose overalls and his balls felt out

Continuted… As a farmsmen[sic] from the bush, this is probably about the cray-z-est[sic] fing[sic] you’ll ever experience an’ that’ — That’s correct. Before that, his ‘wildest thing’ was when he was ploughing a field in loose overalls and his balls felt out

That’s a bit irresponsible, Mat? Being on this show while your fiancée is sitting at home getting ‘knock knocks’ from the Australian Border Force?

Then we had Daniel, who cried hard enough to drown a giraffe after receiving a letter from ‘the ex I’m tryin’ to rekindle my love affair with’ – his words.

World's smallest violin: Then we had Daniel, who cried hard enough to drown a giraffe after receiving a letter from 'the ex I'm tryin' to rekindle my love affair with' - his words

World’s smallest violin: Then we had Daniel, who cried hard enough to drown a giraffe after receiving a letter from ‘the ex I’m tryin’ to rekindle my love affair with’ – his words

Twitter agreed with my assessments

Twitter agreed with my assessments

Elsewhere, Zoe’s floodgates opened because her son went 3 days without getting suspended at school and Angela was bawling over a fluffy white dog. 

The viewers weren’t bawling, they’d switched over to MasterChef fifteen minutes ago.

I managed to sneak onto set and salvage a few letters, which you can find below. 

Letters From The Outside 

 This it the letter Shane got from his son:

Dear Daddy, it’s Tiger Wasp. I haven’t seen any of your show because we can’t find the remote and we’re stuck on SBS – sometimes they have nude women on there! I asked mum where the remote could be and she said you probably packed it to spite us. Also, she says to stop talking to Zoe and that you’re kidding yourself. She used another word to describe her and said you’d tell me about it when I ‘see you next Tuesday.’ Please bring back $250,000 or the remote. TW 

This is what Daniel’s ‘off-again’ girlfriend had to say: 

Dear Daniel, I just wanted to let you know that your stuff is available for collection at the Kennard’s Self-Storage on Parramatta Road, across the road from Audio Connection and Designer Rugs. Locker combination is the day and month of our first date. You remember when that is right? LOL.                                PS I was going to throw out your clothes but my new boyfriend Damian said he’d take them. He fills them out a lot better as he is RIPPED. Anna xo 

Here’s a heartwarming letter from Sophie’s Dad. 

Hey Soph, It’s Dad. You’re going to be mad at me! I was at the Turf Club and you know how I get when I’ve had a few, HA. Chica Bonita pulled up 300 out  and there goes the trifecta.  Bloody jockey turned into an animal lover down the straight. I’ve had words. Anyway, I have to go, Race 8 is about to jump. Trust me sweetheart, Daddy WILL win your car back.                                                PS Please call mum and ask her when I can come home. Darryn’s couch is a punish. Dad

Goodbye Garth 

And the rest: Luckily the rest of the episode was the same old staged eviction strategy rubbish. Zoe won her second nomination challenge in a row - a total fluke, there is no skill involved

And the rest: Luckily the rest of the episode was the same old staged eviction strategy rubbish. Zoe won her second nomination challenge in a row – a total fluke, there is no skill involved

Luckily the rest of the episode was the same old staged eviction strategy rubbish.

Zoe won her second nomination challenge in a row – a total fluke, there is no skill involved.

‘CHALLENGE BEAST! CHALLENGE BEAST! yelled Shane.

‘No, no! I don’t want it! I don’t want to be labelled a threat!’ replied the CHALLENGE BEAST.

The BEAST: 'CHALLENGE BEAST! CHALLENGE BEAST! yelled Shane. 'No, no! I don't want it! I don't want to be labelled a threat!' replied the CHALLENGE BEAST

The BEAST: ‘CHALLENGE BEAST! CHALLENGE BEAST! yelled Shane. ‘No, no! I don’t want it! I don’t want to be labelled a threat!’ replied the CHALLENGE BEAST

She nominated public enemy number one Garth, who orchestrated the coup that sent Ian home, as well as ‘safe’ popular options Daniel and Shane.  

There goes Garth. There goes the ratings.

There goes Garth: She nominated public enemy number one Garth, who orchestrated the coup that sent Ian home, as well as 'safe' popular options Daniel and Shane. Bye, Garth, bye ratings

There goes Garth: She nominated public enemy number one Garth, who orchestrated the coup that sent Ian home, as well as ‘safe’ popular options Daniel and Shane. Bye, Garth, bye ratings

 

 

 

 

 

 




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