Hello, world. My name’s Stephen LaConte, I’m a writer here at BuzzFeed, and according to my friends and family, I’m pretty darn good at giving advice.
So I’ve invited readers like you to message me on Instagram and Twitter (@StephenLC in both places) with your biggest problems — and I’m solving ’em right here on BuzzFeed, one DM at a time. Let’s get right to it.
Today, we’ve got this woman, who’s happily married to her partner of 10 years. The problem? She hasn’t told him that she might be bisexual:
The only scenario where your husband would have a “right” to know this information would be if you were looking to change the terms of your marriage because of it — for example, if you wanted to open up the relationship so you could explore your sexuality with others. But that’s not the case here, so instead of asking yourself whether you have to tell your husband (you don’t!), I think you should instead ask yourself whether you want to.
And honestly, there might be good reasons to tell him, even though you aren’t obligated to. Maybe telling him would alleviate some of your anxiety about the situation. Maybe having that intimate, vulnerable conversation would bring you two closer together. Maybe it would be beneficial to have a trusted confidante as you navigate this period of self-discovery.
Or, heck, maybe none of that’s true for you. Maybe you don’t want to tell him, and that’s fine too. People — even the happily married, fully committed ones — are entitled to a few harmless secrets in life. If your relationship is otherwise healthy, loving, communicative, and fulfilling, and you don’t feel like you need to share this part of yourself to keep it that way, you are absolutely within your rights not to talk about it if you don’t want to.
And here’s a bonus third option to consider: You might decide to deal with this privately for now, but leave the option open to tell him later. You write in your DM that you’re still discovering yourself, and still unpacking what, if any, label applies to you. If you need to keep having that conversation with yourself for a while before you can have it with your husband, that’s perfectly okay.
All three of these paths forward are good and valid, but I can’t tell you which one to follow. Your sexuality is yours, and no one else’s. Only you can choose if, when, and how to share it with others, and I think it’s important for you to own that decision.
Here’s one concrete piece of advice I can give you, though: If you ever do share this part of yourself with him, please don’t treat it like a bad thing. It’s not.
You’ve been with your husband for 10 years, and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with the fact that your understanding of your sexuality has evolved over that time. Your bisexuality does not lessen your love for your husband, or compromise your marriage in any way. It’s just another layer to who you are. We all have layers! Layers are great!
Telling him should be a moment of intimacy, not apology. It’s about allowing the person you trust and love most to get to know you on a deeper level. It’s an opportunity to bring him on board for a journey you’ve been traveling solo for years. And ideally, it should strengthen your bond, not weaken it.
Ultimately, the choice of whether or not to tell him is yours. But if you go for it, you shouldn’t deliver it as bad news — and he shouldn’t receive it as bad news, either. Good luck. I’m rooting for you.
That’s all the advice I’m giving today, folks, but if you’ve got any words of wisdom for our DMer, share them in the comments! And here’s ONE MORE THING before you go…
Do you want a behind-the-scenes look at how I come up with my advice? I just shot a fancy new video where I answer a certain ~scandalous~ question you might remember from a previous column — and I call up one of my best friends to get her expert opinion on the matter, too! Check it out below:
Want more advice and updates on previous DMers? Follow me on Instagram and Twitter (@StephenLC in both places). And if you want to submit a question to be featured in the column, DM me — just be sure to read the rules below first.