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JAN MOIR: Prince Harry and Meghan Markle have taken us for fools. Now it's America's turn 

The Queen must be thrilled that the Duke and Duchess of Sussex have slipped into their new life in America with such little fuss. 

Only the one public contretemps with President Trump so far, in which he stated in front of a television audience of millions that he didn’t like Meghan and that Harry had better watch out for himself.

‘I wish Harry a lot of luck because he is gonna need it,’ said the Prez this week — and few would argue with that.

Still, was it entirely wise of the royal couple to intervene in the forthcoming U.S. election in the way they did? Ostensibly they were merely encouraging people to vote, but their underlying message was clear: don’t vote for Trump.

‘It’s vital that we reject hate speech, misinformation and online negativity,’ said Harry, wearing a suit and sitting on a bench in a manner eerily reminiscent of Forrest Gump.

Prince Harry and Meghan Markle urge US citizens to vote in the upcoming election

Prince Harry and Meghan Markle urge US citizens to vote in the upcoming election

Stupid is as stupid does? Well, here we have a British prince and political eunuch who has been constitutionally unable to vote his entire life using his birthright to encourage others to vote, but only for his approved candidate.

Within the depths of the magic garden inside Harry’s brain, we have moved on from the pumpkin patch of parody and deep into the mockery rockery.

We are incredibly proud to join you at this historic time,’ he said, as if he had been invited to participate in America’s business, rather than gatecrashing a political event that has had nothing to do with him or his country since the War of Independence almost 240 years ago.

I hold no candle for Trump, but surely it is up to Americans to choose their president — not a pair of recently decamped international settlers from the House of Windsor, arriving a little breathless to the argument.

No one can blame the Sussexes for wanting to strike out on their own. 

Making Netflix films and grandiose speeches about building ‘communities of compassion’ (is there a Lego set for that?) from their glam digs in California sure beats visiting community projects on Deeside and chairing online charity meetings, which is what the rest of the dullsville royals were doing in the UK this week.

But what is unacceptable is the way Harry and Meghan won’t be straight with anyone about anything. They take us for fools! It’s all smoke and mirrors, sleight of hand and doublespeak.

President Trump attending the State Banquet at Buckingham Palace with the Queen, First Lady Melania Trump, Prince Charles and the Duchess of Cornwall

President Trump attending the State Banquet at Buckingham Palace with the Queen, First Lady Melania Trump, Prince Charles and the Duchess of Cornwall

They absolve themselves of any political responsibility by pretending not to be talking about Trump when they are clearly talking about Trump. 

They insist they did not collaborate with the authors of the hagiographic biography Finding Freedom when it seems clear that some of the greasy details published within its oleaginous pages could have come only from them, directly or indirectly.

Yet they cannot tell the truth, because the truth is that they are using their royal connections as a platform to lecture others, as they believe their opinions are the right opinions and that everyone who differs is wrong. 

They are classic illiberal liberals, unwilling to accept different perspectives and prone to feeling persecuted when they are merely contradicted.

I mean, what was Harry going on about, sitting on the bench next to Meghan? ‘When the bad outweighs the good,’ he began, as if he were singing a country and western song, ‘whether we realise it or not, it erodes our ability to have compassion and our ability to put ourself in someone else’s shoes.’

There’s been a load of compromisin’ on the road to his horizon, especially as it seems just five minutes ago that the Duke of Sussex had very few opinions indeed, except who was his favourite Spice Girl and whether to have another pint of Skull Krusher down at the Dog & Duck (answer: yes).

Somehow, with the encouragement of his wife, Harry has morphed from posh dope into self-styled prince philosopher. 

This boy who was bottom of his class at Eton now has more opinions than Tripadvisor and — even worse — he expects a nation of 330 million people to sit up and listen to them.

However, I can’t join in the clamour for the couple to be stripped of their royal titles forthwith, even if they seem hell-bent on royally abusing their status. For perhaps the Sussexes have little intention of hanging on to them anyway.

Don’t laugh. It seems clear Harry and Meghan want to establish a godlike presence in the U.S. as quickly as possible; hot-branding themselves on to the rump of the American consciousness before the Queen kicks them out of the royal stables for good.

Yet deep in their politically correct hearts, Harry and Meghan must know they cannot be agenda-setting, negativity-rejecting modern citizens of the free world while still belonging to an ancient hierarchical institution based on birth, not merit. 

Something to ponder on as they sit in their garden in the California sun and think of lots more things to lecture us about.

As Forrest Gump himself said, life is like a box of chocolates.

And when it comes to Harry and Meghan horse-whispering sweet nothings to America and the world beyond, you never know what you’ll get: the Total Fudge, the Completely Nuts or the great big Windsor Raspberry.

 

But darling all I’ve done is try to help

Sasha Swire’s Diary Of An MP’s Wife reveals that in 2010, PM David Cameron was still in thrall to the ravings of his hippy-dippy director of strategy Steve Hilton.

One of Steve’s brainwaves was a plan to insert a list of ten relationship tips into every Ikea flatpack.

This was to help couples negotiate those moments of extreme stress that come with bolting together their Billy bookcase or Klippan sofa. 

Sasha Swire's Diary Of An MP's Wife reveals that in 2010, PM David Cameron was still in thrall to the ravings of his hippy-dippy director of strategy Steve Hilton. Pictured: Sasha Swire with husband Hugo Swire at the Conservative Party's Black & White Ball in 2006

Sasha Swire’s Diary Of An MP’s Wife reveals that in 2010, PM David Cameron was still in thrall to the ravings of his hippy-dippy director of strategy Steve Hilton. Pictured: Sasha Swire with husband Hugo Swire at the Conservative Party’s Black & White Ball in 2006

So the Government has no business interfering in domestic strife — but was it such a terrible idea? Girls, we all need help sometimes, so here are my tips to get couples through the ordeal…

1. You’ve already been to the store and cried. At home, you argue for three hours solid before even opening the box. Don’t go to bed angry. Stay up and fight.

2. This is a two-person assembly, so be ready to paddle in the flatpack canoe together. Listen to what he says. There’s a first time for everything.

3. Ask questions when things start to go wrong. Do you think I’m stupid? Do you think I have no skills? Do you wish your first wife was here helping? These are all helpful interjections.

4. Explain to him that Ikea is Swedish for ‘argument’.

5. Point out that there are arrows instead of written instructions, in case he hasn’t noticed.

6. Dark wood or beech, white or grey, birch or ash? This is no time to discuss the colour of your new highlights, so stay focused on the job.

7. When he shouts about screws you misplaced, explain that you have a hammer in your hand so maybe now isn’t the time to provoke you.

8. Point out every instance when he does something wrong. This is vital.

9. Make a funny joke when the shelves fall off. ‘Allen Keys? I loved him in Titanic 2.’

10. Most important. Only point out that you have never liked his mother if the whole thing collapses at 3am and you have to start again.

 

What will bored dads do without bouncing Liz?

Stop all the clocks. Elizabeth Hurley has revealed that she will no longer sunbathe. Repeat: from henceforth, Liz is hiding her bushel under a light.

The 55-year-old beauty reveals that she has seen too many of her friends ‘battle with skin cancer’ to continue being such a thoughtless sun-worshipper. Is there no end to her compassion?

As of now, it’s big hats and high-factor sunscreens for the actress and entrepreneur, who has her own swimwear range. 

But where will this new modesty leave her popular social media accounts, which are regularly filled with photographs and videos of Her Royal Lizness skipping about in the near nip wearing her own-label designs, such as the Minka bikini (£162) or perhaps even the Candace plunge-front one-piece (£144)?

It is no secret that Hurley’s skimpy postings are just as popular with bored dads as with swimsuit-seeking mums. 

Perhaps even more so! Yet in a recent U.S. television interview, which had broadcast a clip of Liz dancing around a swimming pool, she was sensitive to any accusations of online narcissism.

‘I have a bikini line which I sell. It’s not just me showing off for Instagram,’ she huffed.

‘And you look better when you are bouncing,’ the host told her.

You can’t say that about every entrepreneur. Let’s just hope Liz wasn’t hopping mad at this surprising truth.

 

Swap loo rolls for kindness 

Morrisons is the first supermarket to put curbs on loo roll and hand gel as we approach a second lockdown. Good. Let’s hope the others follow suit soon to stop greedy shoppers in their grasping tracks.

For one of the most unedifying spectacles of these Covid times has been the selfishness and lack of humanity exhibited by the many, not the few.

My worry is that instead of bringing society together, Covid will ultimately cause greater divisions; the old pitted against the young; the healthy vs the ill; the have-loo-rolls versus the have-nots. 

Look at the dine-and-dash couple caught on CCTV sprinting out of the Fat Greek Taverna in Clacton, Essex, after running up a £100 bill on eight cocktails and two steaks.

No thought about restaurants struggling under economic strain, just of feeding their own criminal avarice. It might have been a laugh to them but it’s heartbreak for one owner at least.

A little more respect for the travails and worries of others, plus some more kindness all round would not go amiss.

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